CONTEMPLATING

I sit here waiting for the call back from the doctor which would tell us if Coby will give graduation a go tomorrow.

TOMORROW.

I should be so excited right now.

But right now I feel kind of numb and empty.

We have been building up to this day for 9 and a half months but today I feel guilty.

Day after day after day after day, I read about one food allergy death after another.

A teenager who usually read ingredients, didn't- this one time. Didn't have his epipen.

A 24 year old who took one wrong bite.

I couldn't even open the article about the third person. It was too much to take.

But today when I saw those a picture of an adorable pre-schooler with those big brown eyes--- I couldn't help but open that article---that 3 year old is now dead from having a food challenge done in the hospital.

A food challenge.

At a HOSPITAL.

Coby has had food challenges at hospitals.

I thought he'd be safe.

I thought if something would happen, they'd be prepared to deal. I mean, it was a HOSPITAL.

Coby still has to have his 24 peanut challenge at the end of this month.

What if?

Last night he had his annual check-up and once again, the doctor brought us back to that night over six years ago. She relives it with us every single appointment. She remembers the page. Calling us back. Hearing Coby coughing and choking in the background. Telling us to call 911. Then being unable to sleep that night, calling the hospital to make sure he was okay "I didn't think he'd make it through the night."

How did we get so lucky?

Did Coby actually make it through OIT?

Every day he doses. Every single day he looks fear straight in the eye and conquers it.

Every single night when he is sleeping I run to his room over and over again to make sure his chest is still rising. Be it 4 hours post dose. Be it 10 hours post dose. I just keep checking.

Did we do it?

Is he really going to graduate tomorrow (or a week from tomorrow)?

We didn't think he'd be able to get through this program.

There were so many bumps on the road. 

Are we really at the finish line?

I don't understand how we got here. 

I was with him every moment but now it seems like one big blur.

I don't understand how we got from smaller than 1/1,200,000th all the way up to his final up-dose tomorrow to 12 full peanuts.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how one wrong bite can and does kill.

How many of those who died would still be alive if they went through OIT?

Some of them?

All of them?

I feel guilty that OIT may have saved Coby's life, but it didn't save the lives of the others.

Those big brown eyes of Allastair haunt me. 

Allastair- RIP

Tomorrow Coby is to consume 12 full peanuts. Wait the hour. And if all goes well- he would graduate.

Tomorrow another mom buries her 3 year old.

I don't understand.