"MOM I FAILED OIT."

I cannot believe this has actually happened. Is this even real?

In the moments of crisis I tend to get very calm and bubbly, and then once the danger is over it hits me. I am gritting my teeth, my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding and it's... It's a lot.

After the ten reactions Coby has had in just a month's time followed by lots of down-dosing, Coby's dose was now down to 8 peanuts and 1 teaspoon of powder.

We had 3 or 4 nights with no issues whatsoever.

Pheeew.

Tuesday night I was on my way  to parent teacher conferences at  my school and literally as I was putting my coat on about to leave, Coby complained about being itchy. We didn't see a single hive, but we benadryled him just to be safe, especially since I was on my way out for several hours. I checked in with Yitz several times that night and thank G-d Coby was fine.

And then Wednesday night. Last night. He dosed with his 8 peanuts and one teaspoon of powder at 4:30. Two hours later I notice one of Coby's ears is red. That concerned me a bit, since I now know that as Coby's 'tell'. I asked him how he was feeling and he said he was fine. I took him at his word since he, thank G-d, has gotten really good at telling me when he felt a reaction beginning.

A few minutes later he let out a sneeze.

"G-d bless you. You okay?"
"Yes."
A few moments later a cough and then another cough.

Ooookay... people are allowed to sneeze or cough occasionally.

We go upstairs for dinner and Coby lets out a few more coughs.

"Mom, I can't stop coughing."

Cough. Cough.

And then Coby began to clear his throat. Over and over again.

I picked up his shirt and saw some small hives.

I gave him benadryl and steroids.

But part of me knew...

Yitz paged the doctor.

But I knew.

And I was asking myself why was I dawdling.

I had already been in pjs, but went upstairs to get dressed.

Because I knew.

I grabbed a couple of adrenaclicks (a type of epipen) and put them in my pocket.

I knew.

Doctor said since we gave him meds we can watch him for a little bit and to start pounding him with liquids to wash out his throat. He told us if he didn't hear from us in 15 minutes he would call us back.

Coby downed a cup of Prigit.

And another.

And yet another.

Cough cough.

Clear clear.

I picked up his shirt.

So many more hives.

Two bright red ears.

Two bright red cheeks.

We asked Coby to talk and his voice sounded a bit off.

I pulled down his pants.

Hives going down his legs.

I rolled up his sleeves.

Hives on his upper arms.

"Yitz, remember Natalie..." I whispered.

I knew and enough was enough.

No more waiting.

No more holding out.

I never should have waited in the first place. It was probably less than 10 minutes of waiting, but 10 minutes is huge.

There are no 'do-overs' when an allergic reaction goes wrong.

I explained to Coby I would have to epipen him. He remembered Montana and he remembered how much it hurt, yet even he knew he needed it.

Josh helped me hold Coby down (because if kids inadvertently end up kicking in pain as it goes in the muscle, the needle can bend and break in there.)

And in it went.

And Coby screamed.

"One. Two. Three"

And screamed

"Four. Five. Six"

And screamed.

"Seven. Eight."

And continued screaming.

"Nine. Ten."

10 seconds of screaming as you're holding a needle in your child's leg is a very long time. (Adrenaclick requires 10 seconds of holding it in.)

In the last 4 months I have unfortunately become experienced in giving my child the epipen.
And the auvi-q.
And now the adrenaclick.

Yitz meanwhile was on the phone with our doctor who told us to call the ambulance.

Coby at this point was much calmer but when he tried to stand up he said his leg hurt too much from the needle and he plopped himself down on the floor.

We opened our front door and soon saw those flashing lights.

I cannot believe this is really happening. Again.

4 people jumped out of the ambulance and we met them at the door. They took Coby into the back of that ambulance and began to assess him.

Being checked out in the back of the ambulance

Coby still had hives all over his torso, but they were beginning to fade. His ears were no longer red. His cheeks had faded from red to light pink. He was no longer clearing his throat or coughing.
Let me say it right here: While it is in no way fun to have to use an epi, epis are magic. Plain and simple.

"What time was he epiid"
"7:12"

It was surreal hearing the sound of an ambulance and knowing it was our own sirens as we sped through those red lights. Yitz, who was following us in the car quickly lost sight of us.

Every few moments they checked him out again. listening to his lungs and taking his blood pressure.

When we got to the hospital Coby said his nose was starting to feel stuffy again and he was again starting to feel itchy.

For the next four plus hours Coby was monitored to make sure he was okay and wouldn't have a biphasic reaction. (33% of people end up having a secondary reaction a few hours later which is even worse than the first one)

When he got up to walk to the bathroom he was walking with a limp. I asked a nurse if it's normal to limp after having an epi and she said it was. "Those things hurt!"

It is always so awkward trying to explain OIT to those who are not educated in it.
"Wait, he's allergic to peanuts? But you had him eat 8 peanuts and a teaspoon of peanut powder?!"

Some knew what OIT was and others we had to explain it to. While they politely listened and nodded part of me expected them to leave the room and call CPS on me for giving my allergic child his allergen.

And part of me wouldn't even have blamed them.

Mommy guilt...

But anyway CPS didn't come and Coby played on his kindle and was mostly in good spirits.

Coby giving a thumbs up

But unlike in Montana where we got our own private room in their ER, here we had to share it with one other patient (behind the above curtain). And they were LOUD. And they had their tv on LOUD. And it was getting later and later. And Coby was exhausted and soooo wanted to sleep (like he was able to in Montana)

But it was impossible. 

We wrapped Coby's shirt around his eyes and ears to try to block out light &
sound, but it didn't really work.

Finally at nearly 5 hours post epi we were discharged. The doctor there said  he should have 4 teaspoons of steroid for the next four days.

When we got home I saw the pieces of the adrenaclick I had haphazardly threw around the room at the time. The case. The top cover. The bottom cover. The adrenaclick itself. 

Unlike the epipen and Auvi-Q, the needle of the adrenaclick does NOT retract itself. 

 Coby exclaimed, "That's what was in me?" I apologized to him for having had to 'hurt' him but explained I had to do it in order to help him. Coby understood and admitted that while it was awful, that 'magic needle' had him feeling so much better in literally seconds. I'm so thankful he realizes that and understands.

Coby went to bed. 

And then all that had happened started to hit me. I took a sleeping pill but it only kicked in at about 2AM and I was up by 4. 

What just happened?

Part of me is still traumatized from it happening back in August. And here we are with it happening all over again.

Is this real life?

Just this week at a dentist check up, he told me that I am unconsciously grinding my teeth to a pulp and I need to destress and chill out. Ha. If he only knew...

Anyway, Coby thankfully slept through the night with no issues. Our original plan was to minimally allow Coby to sleep in this morning and go to school a few hours later, but our little trouper was all bright eyes and bushy tailed awake at 7:30AM (still with a slight limp) and ended up going to school on time.

And it is now 2:30PM and I am gearing up to dose Coby in about 2 hours time. Our allergist said to  stop the powder. 

Completely. 

Well at least until we discuss, reassess and figure crap out at our next appointment in February. 

I'll be honest. It's kind of a hard pill to swallow, knowing we spent nearly a year slowly building up that powder to get him to where he was in the summer (four teaspoons) and to now realize we are back at negative square one.

But "THIS" can't keep happening. We just can't keep doing "THIS".

Why is this happening? 

The vast majority of people who graduate from OIT sail off into the sunset and have no problems at all.

Unfortunately Coby is not part of that vast majority...

Why? I do not know.

Maybe Coby is meant to be even more of a teaching tool to others than he already has been. Just two days ago another stranger contacted us and asked if Coby would be willing to speak to her 8 year old daughter. They had read his blog together, loved it and are about to begin OIT. People seem to appreciate the bumps Coby has faced, yet overcome. 

But after last night... it's just a lot.

"Mom why is this happening to me?"

"I don't know hun. We will figure this out."

"Mom, I feel like I failed OIT."

(When he said that i fell my heart shatter in a million pieces, took a deep breath and continued...)

"You did not fail OIT. It is the powder that is failing you. But we will figure that out. Not only did you pass OIT. You came through with flying colors. You did it. You already did it. You graduated. The world is now yours. You know that Coby. You are the strongest person I know. You have inspired and continue to inspire so many others. Despite the struggles. Despite the setbacks, you get right back up and keep going. You my love, are a trouper. You are an OIT champion."

Moms have to put on a smile. Moms have to say the right things. Moms have to hide their shattered hearts from their children to make sure their children are okay. I want to take his pain away. 

My heart breaks for my boy.

So no more powder tonight. Praying dosing with just 8 peanuts brings us back to the ease it used to be. And praying Coby once again sees himself the way I see him.

EDITED TO ADD: ON THE WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL COBY TOLD ME THAT TODAY IS ONE OF THE DAYS HE WOULD LIKE TO EAT EXTRA PEANUTS, AS HE DID A FEW WEEKS AGO (HE HAD 14). I TOLD HIM HE'LL BE DOSING WITH EIGHT. HE SAID, 'BUT I WANT TO HAVE 20 TODAY. I FEEL POWERFUL!!!!'

I TOLD HIM HE WON'T BE HAVING ANY MORE THAN THE 8 TODAY TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "I AM FAILING AT OIT." SIGH.