I DON'T WANT TO "ADULT" TODAY....

Sigh.
 I am so torn. Actually I am probably not even so torn. I think I know what I should be doing, but I don't know...
Argh.
 I don't want to be the adult and make the decision- I want someone wiser and smarter and who knows more and can take care of everything to tell me what to do. I'm tired of being the one...

Yep- that's me right now. I am so frustrated. I feel like a lost little kid who needs a grown-up to decide what is right. To fix it all and make it all better. To tell me what to do. To make the decision for me, so I don't have to.... It is exhausting having all this weight on my shoulders. The stakes are so high.

"You are so brave" we are told. In truth, it is Coby who is the brave one. I am not brave. It may look brave what I am doing but really, I am a chicken. I am doing this because I am SCARED. I am TERRIFIED of what will happen if we DON'T do it. That is not bravery. That is me doing what I have to do because I have no choice but to do it.

Sigh.

It is exhausting having to be the 'grown up' day after day after day after day.

Argh....

Coby thankfully is beginning to adjust to his current dose of 250mg. His body is still not 100% happy with it, but he is progressing and we probably won't have to down-dose (as long as he doesn't get sick) which is always good news.

But every day there has been something with the dosing, though progress is being made...

Thursday--- up-dose day. Terrifying. Our scariest reaction since beginning five and a half months ago.

Friday--- the dose caused an eczema like rash to break out all over his stomach and back---- BUT there were no hives and there weren't as many spots as the day before, and there were no other side reactions like the day before.

Shabbos--- one of cheeks got a big dark pink splotch on it. (not a hive- it was flush with the skin and didn't itch.)

Sunday--- both cheeks turned light pink

Monday--- pinkness to his cheeks and some lip itching that only lasted seconds.

We spoke to our doctor today and she said that most of the symptoms we are discussing are normal to a degree. It shows that his body is REALLY recognizing that his allergen is in there and it IS fighting it and this time we are seeing physical evidence of the battle. She said flushed cheeks can be normal. Itching lips as long as it stops quickly/with water can be normal. Eczema being brought out can be normal. She even said she is comfortable in Coby up-dosing THIS Thursday but respects our decision if we decide to wait.

Last week I dismissed my 'gut'. Can I really do that again?
Should we up-dose this week? I am leaning towards 'no'.
The veterans on the OIT board are telling me to wait another week. There is no harm in waiting. How in their experience it is best to be symptom free before up-dosing--- that that will make for a smoother journey onward. Slow and steady....

As I am typing this, I just kissed Coby good-night--- five hours after dosing and his cheeks still seem a bit flushed to me.

Come on Stacey- you know the right thing to do.

If I were my own 'parent' I would tell myself, "Stacey, it is just one week. One single week. That's no biggie. One week to get his body more used to this dose before the dramatic increase that is coming next. You are giving him a running start by giving him this extra week to acclimate. Why risk it? Wasn't last week terrifying enough? Listen to all those who have been there before you. Even mother nature is shouting what you need to do---- she is bringing thunderstorms, torrential downpours and flash floods this Thursday- you KNOW you don't want to be driving in that. It's just one week. The next two up-doses are HUGE- give him the best chance he can get. It is just one week. That's nothing in the great scheme of things! You know what you need to do."

We even got ready to wait the extra week---- yesterday we took all our remaining peanut flour and brought it to that damn apothecary. 8 more 250s will be ready for us to pick up this Friday.

In fact when I asked Coby how he would feel if we didn't updose this week, he said, "fine". He really didn't seem to care at all which is so unlike him. Every Thursday he runs into the house so eager to head out to his up-dose appointment and whenever he is worried they may not allow him to up-dose due to a small cold or something it bums him up, but now he really was 'whatever' about it. Maybe that's another sign we should really push it off the one week.

Uch, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading into signs that don't really exist at all....

I just so wanted to be done with the capsule stage. And the James stage. As scary as it is I wanted to get to that peanut stage which was supposed to be just 10 days away. We even freakin' ordered the peanuts he was supposed to be eating NEXT WEEK. And in case you were wondering, no---- we still did not gather enough courage to open that box. It remains sealed in its amazon box tucked away in the corner of our dining room.

It just feels like right when we get soooo close it gets whisked away.
Come to think of it... is Charlie Brown EVER successful in kicking that football? Or is it always whisked away each time he tries?

I was just beginning to believe. And dream. And hope. And plan. Graduation. A party. Ice-cream cake.  I was working out the math in my head to figure out his graduation date.

And then BAM.

Thanks Lucy.

Argh!

I do not know why I find this so upsetting, do I?

I feel like we are failing if we don't up-dose. If we hold steady at this dose, I feel like 'it' is winning. I feel like if we skip this week and we lose our momentum we will start going backwards.

What's that phrase a body in motion stays in motion... 

I know that staying at this dose a few extra days is not the end of the world. That his body is still 'in motion', but it feels like we are standing still.

I mean the doctor even said it's okay to up-dose this week. Do I listen to her? Or do I listen to parents who have been their with their own child? Do I listen to my own gut?

OH MY G-D, STACEY---- just avoid driving in the awful weather that is coming Thursday. Stay inside. Don't drive. Stay safe. What's the issue?

Maybe if the next two days go perfectly, we should go in and up-dose? I don't have to decide until Wednesday evening...

ARGH!!!!! I wish somebody else can just tell me what to do and take away my choice!

I wanted to up-dose. We were ready to up-dose. I don't want to feel like we are beginning to fail.... I'm afraid what will happen if we stop and stay still. I'm afraid what happens if we don't....