Sometimes it's so hard to squelch my fears all the way down and to shut up all the "what ifs". As we inch closer and closer to the 1/100th of a peanut date I feel my fears growing.
Doctors have said in the past that while Coby can react to any amount of his allergen, they were specific about the amount 1/100th. "Something as small as 1/100th of a peanut can close his throat in seconds."
If we are able to go in every week for his updose (if it goes well, and no illnesses) we are just 2 and a half weeks away from that point.
This Thursday would be 1/600th- his last microgram updose (I think.)
Then 1/250th. (a milligram!)
Then 1/100th. That 1/100th that I was told can close his throat....
And it terrifies me.
This whole process terrifies me. The future terrifies me.
Sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions; planting on that smile as I push my fears all the way down. You remember being a kid and having a kick-board in the pool and trying to push it to the bottom of the pool and stand on it and inevitably it would come shooting right out of the pool? THAT is my fear. Trying to hold it down deep in that pool and not let it burst up.
BUT
Someone who is already at 6 peanuts had a reaction out of the blue. She had safe frozen yogurt and was sitting in her car watching Christmas lights- and now she's in the hospital fighting an anaphylactic reaction- despite being at the 6 peanut point. Her mom doesn't know why. It was hours after dosing and she wasn't exercising- she was sitting in her car. (being within the first hour of dosing or exercising within 2 hours is highest likelihood of reaction- which she had none of.) I mean, we all know OIT doesn't guarantee 100% safety- after all your child is still allergic. What it does guarantee is a much more normal life and more safety than he otherwise would have.
Most parents try to get OIT done before their child hits the tween years. That is when their child begins to grow up and away from his parent and his parent no longer has control. In a sense it is easier when they are younger and you have more control... but once they begin to make more and more of their own decisions.... friends' bar mitzvahs, hang out at the mall. Going out to eat and not wanting to call attention to himself so he eats and tries to hide it (There actually was a teen who died from an anaphylactic reaction in a mall when she hid in a bathroom stall). College. Room-mates eating who knows what. Airplanes. Vacations. That first kiss. (And yes someone has died from kissing her boyfriend who had eaten peanut butter 3 HOURS earlier.)
THIS is why we do OIT because it is the most we can do to protect our child as we get ready to send him out into the world. He'll be safer. No more worries of touch or airborne reactions- at least THAT part will be settled. Freedom. Peanut dust in the airplane couldn't kill. A kiss could no longer kill.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.
It is so scary.
And I'm so terrified.
But I HAVE to do this. right?
Of course I do.
It's the ONLY thing I can do to keep him as safe as he possibly can be.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.
but i have to try
there are thousands and thousands of success stories who did not (yet??) have reactions in maintenance and during all those years they were free to enjoy their life to the fullest.
This can save his life!
So I HAVE to do this.
BUT
Somedays it gets very hard to silence the fear.
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